See Everything Everyone Else

The following is something I wrote back in April of 2015. I came here with the intention of sharing something poignant, and it seems like this is the best lead in.

I grow tired of trying to convince myself
of everything everyone else sees in me.

we’re doing it, baby
we’re doing the things we said we wanted to do.

love the lonely
work ourselves ragged
give ourselves away

why is it so hard for me to see everything everyone else sees in me?

I see it in you:
I see the way you encourage the guys when they’re just trying to figure out life when all of the brainwaves they’re interpreting are telling them they’re not enough; or they don’t have enough.
you’re pouring yourself into a generation of young men.

we make all these plans
and we feel so small and insignificant

but I saw the time you gave a whole chunk of money to that missionary you know from college.
I saw the time you prayed for that same man, and God answered your prayers through his story.

why is it so hard to see everything everyone else sees in me.

maybe I’m not doing as bad as I thought
I don’t feel so sick staying up until midnight doing school
instead of staying up until midnight trying to prove to myself that I’m alright.

I heard you say today that this is what everyone says about becoming an adult.
I heard you say today that nobody knows what they’re doing
I heard you say today that I’m not the only one with huge expectations and a fear to dream and a passion inside that’s become frightening to me

I heard you say today that you loved me.

why is it so hard to see everything everyone else sees in me.

he called out my name: lioness
as if he hasn’t noticed the fire fading from my eyes.

I thought everyone would notice, like giant neon lights flashing
except the opposite
because I thought the light wasn’t lasting.

he called out my name: lioness.

why is it so hard to see everything everyone else sees in me.

maybe I’m doing it
like all those whiny pitched phrases I’ve thrown at you, saying “i don’t think i made it…” and then the grades came back good and it’s like everyone else sees something different in me and I just can’t believe when they tell me it’s good and I’m doing alright. are they not looking at me right?

are we seeing the same things?
am I living in another world
am I looking at another girl?

why is it so hard to see
where did I let go of everything
why am I not different to everyone
am I the only one who feels something else
am I, the one who’s looking, not the one who sees
in me
.

I grow tired of trying to convince everyone else
when the one who needs convincing is me.

(Can I just say, Tumblr Hannah was good at what she did? my word.)

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Time moves so quickly and so slowly; I don’t seem to change at all and then I change all at once. Didn’t C.S. Lewis say something like that?

The words on my heart lately are from a recent worship song, they go like this:

“Take courage, my heart. Stay steadfast, my soul. He’s in the waiting! He’s in the waiting! Hold onto your hope as your triumph unfolds, He’s never failing. He’s never failing.”

And here I am again: waiting, ready, eager, impatient.

Sometimes it feels like we’ve been waiting forever, and then we wonder if maybe we missed something. Haven’t you ever felt like maybe God has moved on, or maybe you missed the boat? The hardest part about living is not the big leaps of faith, it’s the day to day little stuff. It’s the daily living that makes me afraid I might miss it all.

Yet, I look back and see a heart that was unready, and now I look down and see a heart slightly more ready. That’s enough to give me another push of courage and another reason to trust the One who makes all things good in His timing.

He’s in the waiting & it is good.

Are you in a season of waiting? Share with me below, or send me a message. I’d love to pray with you!

April 13th, 2016

Excited about the future and all the p o s s i b i l i t i e s.

There’s so much I don’t know, so much I can’t guess. But I’m ready to try.
I think that one of the beautiful things about living is we get to choose to experience things. We get to choose to pursue people. We get to choose where we live, and how we feel about it. We get to choose to be.

For awhile I was beginning to think I had no choice in anything, but that was a lie.

I get to choose to live happily
purposefully
joyfully.

What a blessing it is to be alive.

I don’t know about you, but looking back and reading what I wrote in the past sometimes brings me so much encouragement.

I could have written this yesterday and it would have been equally relevant. On the one hand, it’s exciting that life is always changing. On the other hand, it’s silly how often I have to relearn the same things.

This is a season of taking new steps, finishing chapters, and lots of unknowns. If April 13th, 2016 Hannah were to see me now, I think she’d be surprised at how much joy those changes brought. Maybe that’s what Jesus wants me to remember, after all.

He is always faithful, patient, and good. So, I’ll say it again:

What a blessing it is to be alive.

May 9th, 2016

Wanting so desperately to be heard in a world full of voices speaking so loudly, I find myself wondering: How can I speak loudly enough to be heard? How can I move mountains with a faith that is so small? How is God so backwards, and still my soul longs after His ways? What in the world has made my longings so opposite from the rest of the world?

In the midst of all the noises and rushing and striving and wondering,
I hope that there is growing and stretching and strengthening and surviving.

Because what I’m more afraid of than anything is wasting my life.

I still believe I have a fire inside.

Not much has changed, and I am okay with that.